write the words right on my face

If you read between the lines this is what you would have found

Sat, 18 May 2013 00:02:26 -0400

I’m fairly certain this is a “goodbye forever” because I’ve finally realized you aren’t a fantastic person and will probably never be that person again. It’s not that I can’t handle being friends because I want more. It’s not that I’m angry at you for rejecting me. It’s that in this two month period (probably closer to five months?), you’ve proven to be a douchebag and I’d rather not be friends with that. Have a nice life

Love always,
Sara

Fucking hell

Fri, 17 May 2013 23:29:18 -0400

I really really wish I could just be like Taylor and be feeling relieved every time I hear your name or see you and remember things are over

Because we all know how ecstatic you are

Fuck when will it end because I am so fucking pissed all the fucking time and it should fucking stop

I'm staring at the ceiling, thinking about the last time we sat here together

Wed, 15 May 2013 00:11:17 -0400

thesistothesong:

I loved your flaws.

Goodnight I love you But I’m not going to say it OH WOOPS lulz jk I don’t even know at...

Mon, 13 May 2013 23:00:21 -0400

Goodnight

I love you

But I’m not going to say it

OH WOOPS

lulz jk

I don’t even know at this point

All I know is I don’t want to gov

And I do want my Forever 21 stuff to get here

And I do want graduation parties because I want to give all the presents

I am upset and harping on this because

Sun, 12 May 2013 11:17:28 -0400

I do not understand why anyone would ever throw away someone who is fighting so hard to solve a problem or save something.

I know I don’t tend to be an optimistic person, but if anyone ever has this much faith and belief in me, I pray that I won’t push them to the curb.

Y’know why nothing changed the last time my parents found out? Because we knew it didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything or affect how we felt.

At least that’s what I thought.

Now I know differently.

I don't know if this ever happens to you guys but it happens to me all the time

Sun, 12 May 2013 00:44:44 -0400

I think of a response or what I want to say way too late
So here are a few of them from the past week or so
“Publicly flirting with other girls or making jokes about that could be considered back handing me when I’m down.”
“Well it’s a good thing I don’t have to drive you anywhere anymore, now isn’t it?”
“Yes clearly I believe the fact that Tom Buchanan being a douchebag is the most important part of The Great Gatsby and that the book has no other literary merit for its own worth.”
“Stop being a stubborn bitch because you are wrong and I fucking remember every movie we saw and when.”

I have this unfortunate knack for remembering dates May 13th May 24th June 4th June 5th June...

Fri, 10 May 2013 09:08:37 -0400

I have this unfortunate knack for remembering dates
May 13th
May 24th
June 4th
June 5th
June 22nd
July 6th
November 24th
January 3rd
March 17th
March 23rd
March 28th
And they haunt me every day

Most of the music I listen to came from you

Sun, 05 May 2013 23:55:14 -0400

I miss staying up talking until 2 AM

Since I post so much shit on here I guess I should let it be known that I’m alright about all...

Sun, 05 May 2013 22:14:55 -0400

Since I post so much shit on here

I guess I should let it be known that I’m alright about all those things I ranted about now

If you’ve never had to explain to your mother why there’s a razor under your pillow,...

Sun, 05 May 2013 21:21:15 -0400

If you’ve never had to explain to your mother why there’s a razor under your pillow, allow me to inform you that it is decently awkward.

Also, while mine did accept my “I found it and forgot to put it away” response, I do feel there is a quota on how often that can be used and the type of person who will fall for it.

“We’re not the norm for high school relationships.” Well, apparently we...

Sun, 05 May 2013 12:19:05 -0400

“We’re not the norm for high school relationships.”
Well, apparently we were.
Delusions of happiness forever
Romanticized views of the future
Dropping the L word too much and too soon

So it would be kinda ridiculous and pathetic if two out of the three letters on here thus far were...

Sat, 04 May 2013 23:50:00 -0400

So it would be kinda ridiculous and pathetic if two out of the three letters on here thus far were to the same person, so this one isn’t going to be a letter. Just a little rant.

Umm alright, yeah, acting like a total douchebag is TOTALLY cool. You’re telling me not to backhand you when you’re down? Well what the actual fuck do you think you’re doing? Using me because you miss “close inter-personal contact” is not okay and maybe I should have been a little less retarded and done more to stop what was happening. And I sure as hell am not imagining what happened because the other two asked about it too.

Maybe I got my hopes up for about an hour. But every drop of that left the second we stood up. Did you realize what you were doing was wrong or something? And so now you’re giving me the cold shoulder? Well yay, hooray for you having some sort of a conscience at all but don’t you think I deserve just some words?

Yeah, I know, you don’t like to talk about it. You don’t like to talk about anything. Or wait, maybe saying you just don’t like to talk to me would be more accurate.

Shit, maybe posts like this (if you somehow or for some reason still see them) are just making things worse. You just get more upset with me. Which apparently you don’t like. BUT APPARENTLY I DON’T GIVE A SHIT BECAUSE I SHOULDN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME.

At this point I’ve just figured seeing you at any time is like getting an allergy shot. Yeah it sucks, but soon enough it’s not going to hurt or even matter anymore. And I sure as hell cannot wait for that.

I really enjoy hanging out with Tim, Taylor, Ilde, Natalie, and Jay. So I hope that can still be a thing.

I also don’t know what’s up with this crazy terrible driving the past few weeks. Some crazy correlation going on. But part of me really wishes there were some cars in that lane when I accidentally pulled out into it today.

To Anyone Struggling With Anything;

Thu, 02 May 2013 00:14:00 -0400

Hang in there just a little bit longer.

Dear Moose,

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:41:00 -0400

I’m really sorry for how ridiculous I am. (I think that’s the best way to start this off). I have been really up and down and hot and cold and sometimes that’s had a bit of an impact on you and sometimes it just drives me crazy. Everyone thinks I am an idiot for feeling the way I do, but to tell you the truth, I don’t know how I feel. I know things weren’t working. I know it’s “less stressful” now. But I also know that every positive thing in my life has this tinge of darkness in the corner, slowly settling in. It is just so hard for me to understand how you feel right now. I know what you’ve told me. I’ve heard it. I listened. But I cannot mentally comprehend it. I thought I was an empathetic person who could sympathize and feel with people. But here, I just can’t. It is so difficult for me to understand you, possibly because I don’t understand me. I know I’m not ready to give up on this yet. Because I’m not ready to believe it wasn’t everything I thought it was. It’s silly and ridiculous but I keep coming up with these hypothetical scenarios in my head where everything just magically falls into place. I’ve had more vivid and memorable dreams this past month than I can ever remember. And most mornings, I wake up confused and can’t remember what’s real and what’s not. Sometimes it takes until I’m at that light on JFerry and Post Oak when I realize we broke up.

I want closure. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. I don’t know how that would change anything though. I want to be able to tell you that those comments and conversations really hurt me. But it doesn’t matter now, does it? What you do isn’t supposed to matter to me anymore. But it still does.

One of the things I don’t understand is this effort you keep talking about. Maybe I’m just romanticizing it but I don’t remember us having to put much effort in last summer. Maybe the fact that being with me required effort was another sign that we were through.

And there it is. There’s one of the pieces at the heart of this problem. My insatiable desire for anything and everything. Nothing is good enough for me apparently. You told me this two months ago and I just couldn’t comprehend. I felt so happy and content with you. I didn’t think there was anything lacking. But I guess part of me did. All those jabs. All those times I expressed doubts. I was just hurting you and pushing you further away, wasn’t I? This past month I’ve been told again that I am never happy, never satisfied. Apparently it’s a very widespread, across the board problem for me. College wasn’t enough. Appearance wasn’t enough. You weren’t enough.

Which is complete bullshit on my part. Because you were more than enough. You were too much. And that’s one of the things that makes getting over this so hard. You were so fantastic to me. The girl you end up with, my goodness she may just be the luckiest girl in the world. You gave me more love and positive regard than any person in my life and I am just so angry at myself for pushing that away and at you for taking it away.

In the end, I’m just so damn scared. I’ve had more relapses this past month than I would care to admit. And they get worse every time because I don’t see what’s wrong with it. I don’t see a reason to stop and I have become so casual about it. I don’t care who knows or who sees. I’ve turned into a person I can’t recognize, maybe just because it’s been a year since I’ve had to be this person on my own.

Either way, I always liked me a little bit more when I was with you.

I really am trying really hard to get through this next month and hoping I can keep the monster bitch in me to a minimum. The light at the end of the tunnel is just so small and dim, and I truly hope it’s the sunlight and not just some illusion.

P.S. YOU ARE WELCOME FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE FUCKING DONE FOR YOU

Hi y'all I'm back kinda

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:15:15 -0400

With a new installment entitled
“Letters I will never have the courage to send”
I hear this is supposed to be therapeutic or something? But I guess I’m not planning to burn my laptop every time I write a letter so maybe it won’t work completely….oh well it’s worth a shot.

Temporary hiatus starting now.

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 12:31:28 -0400

There’s no reason any of the things I’ve been posting here can’t be posted on my other blog. If people are going to find it, they’re going to find it. I guess more people will find it on the other one but I’ve kinda hit rock bottom so why not at least provide some entertainment to strangers or those who dislike me.

I also think this blog has been too much of an escape and/or cop out. If there’s something I want to say that I’m comfortable with publicly posting, I should be comfortable taking it to its original intended audience.

Thank you again to those of you who have been so nice and consoling to me. I appreciate your kindness.

I'm sorry he broke your heart like that. I hope you understand that you are pretty amazing a person. He's just a boy. You'll move on to bigger and better things soon.

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 11:53:44 -0400

Haha thanks. Y’all are all very sweet to offer me your consoling words. I appreciate it.

Just to let you know, you are loved. Just because one stupid boy made you feel like like any less than the amazing person you are doesn't mean anything and while I know it really hurts, it does get better

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 00:01:15 -0400

Thanks. I mean, the feelings will pass.

Going to Six Flags today was really perfect because the roller coasters symbolize my emotional capabilities xD

I appreciate your kind words

Here comes an angry post: The words came to me while falling asleep and were still there in the morning (that never happens)

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 20:36:10 -0400

justfivewords:

Every night, I fall asleep in love with you

But each morning, I wake up hating you.

There’s a little more to it than that.
I wake up feeling empty and alone. Hurt and betrayed. I wake up more confused than I was the day before.
Y’know what the problem is? I just can’t wrap my head around how all those feelings can disappear so fast. How do you go from loving someone to being unable to even tolerate them. How can you be so adamant about moving on without looking back.
We were “IN LOVE.” Do you even know what that means? That means you fight for it. It means you don’t run away when you just don’t feel like it anymore. It’s falling asleep on the phone because neither person wants to hang up first. It’s waiting in the cold just so you can see his face for a few seconds. It’s singing her favorite song even if you can’t sing for crap. It’s taking every risk that may come because in the end, it’s worth it and so much more. We were supposed to be in love.
Y’know you’re a pretty unlucky guy (or extremely lucky, depending on how you look at it). Something about you just drives some girls to these extremes. And I sure hope that settles down soon because it would not be fair for you to be able to walk around with this immense power forever.
Can I also just point out that I never said “lets break up?” All I said was “this isn’t working.” But you took no time at all to jump straight to “yeah this is over and here’s everything that’s wrong with you and oh, by the way you’re a pain in the ass.” Well, I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect, I’m sorry I didn’t know, and I’m sorry I try/tried so hard.
You say I have nothing to apologize for, but oh I do. I’m sorry that I ever took that stupid AP Chem class and turned around and saw you sitting there. I’m sorry that I didn’t and couldn’t get over you the first, second, or third time. I’m sorry that you want to forget everything that happened and move on and that I am just such a hardship. But most of all, I’m sorry I ever let you fill me up with so much hope and happiness when it turns out, most of it was just a lie.

It will. It does. Trust me. <3

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 22:22:14 -0400

Thank you, kind anon <3 I’m just a tad impatient by nature anyway 3hruwfesijkfs